Googling Yourself

 I remember the first time I googled myself in the early 2000s and saw my MySpace page come up as a top result.  I wasn't sure what to expect, maybe some expose or just some enemy that I didn't know about talking about me.  So it seemed a little cool to type in my name and have my search results come up and I wasn't sure if I liked seeing myself on the internet or if  I just accepted it and moved on.  We have now become increasingly aware of our data and personal information out in internet land.  When I went back to school in 2019 to finish my bachelor's degree I had to write often about our personal data and exposing our personal information online, how data has become a commodity and we should be aware of our privacy online. 

 

Being aware and understanding this is very important, but one sadness I experience with ultra-sentinel data safety is not being able to find or reach out to some very dear loved ones.  So I will tell a little story in hopes that one day my niece or nephew will google themselves and somewhere on the results of the page they will see this post and they will know that they are loved by me and my family.

Once upon a time, I met a very beautiful baby, with large blue eyes and frosty blonde hair.  She was perfectly lovely, healthy, and snuggle-bug.  She came into this world 6 months after my first-born son.  I became an Aunt for the first time and I waited for a long time in the waiting room of the hospital for her to arrive.  I got to meet her soon after and saw the resemblance of her to my brother, Adam.  He and her mother named her Zoe-Jaine.  I remember Adam saying that he wanted Jaine in her name because it simply means "beautiful girl".  Nothing ever rang truer.

For a while, things were a bit busy and maybe even strange between family members so this beautiful girl was not always visiting as a baby, but we saw her grow and she was curious, energetic, and creative.  She and my son were pictured together as infants and it was so fun to see them crawl around with each other.    She will not remember this, but on New Year's Eve the year she was born, my husband and I helped move her and her parents for hours to a new apartment.  Insignificant as it may seem, spending 7 or so hours into the dead of the night to move someone is an act of love.   

It was about two years later when the sister-in-laws were all pregnant at the same time and we delivered our boys within two months of each other.  What a joy to meet my nephew, Victor-John!  He came a bit early and there was some concern about his first few weeks but he really grew and started showing how determined he was.  These three boys all crawled and mile-stoned together and we took a lovely pic of our growing family, all the cousins, on the couch at Grammy's for 2009.  We anticipated this picture to be an opportunity every year to enjoy the cousins getting older, and for quite a while it was!  The cousins grew and so did the number of cousins!

If I could have known the future I would have tried to make a better way, but given the circumstances and the sides of the story that cannot be fully known, I can only speak for myself and my family.  These two children who are now teenagers are still loved and we do desire to communicate with them.

It is now the cusp of 2024 and a lot has happened between those bitty babies and toddlers on Grammy and Grampy's couch in 2009.  They live across the United States from us and there is no more communication between their mother and us therefore we cannot speak with them.  I am not here to decide who was right or wrong, what information should be told or to determine whether it was good or bad to keep them from us.  My only purpose in this post is the express an ache and loving desire to communicate with my niece and nephew.

So, to Zoe-Jaine and Victor-John here are the true things:

•  it will never matter how old you get I will always want to talk with you and know what is going on in your life.  
• if you ever come to New York you can knock on my door
• we did try to call and communicate with you, but your mother and grandmother told us no or indicated that you or Vic did not want to talk
• your mother and grandmother have at least Grammy S. phone number
• 
  I have many pictures of you, Zoe-Jaine and you, Victor-John from all of our outings with your cousins and times at Grammy's S. house.
• Grammy wants to talk with you and she loves you and your brother dearly.
• We want to talk with and we love you both, more than words can express
• I do try to find you on the internet, whether googling or through social media, but it is difficult to find your profiles
• Sometimes I catch a glimpse of you and Victor getting older and I wish I could see you again.
• I hope some day if you remember a fun time in NY or if Victor remembers hanging out with his cousins you will remember it with a smile, because we do.
• Your 5 cousins want to talk with you the oldest ones have their own phones and use social media, they have attempted many times to call you through either your grandmother or mother.

We truly miss you both and it doesn't really matter if you never talk with us again, I, Uncle Frank, Levi, Jude, Lydia, Nicholas and Cecilia are still your family along with so many others who wish and hope and pray that someday we may be able to say hello.  Every Christmas without you gets harder and harder because we have never stopped the cousin photo but you and Victor are no longer in them.  

At least we have our memories and photos of the times when Zoe-Jaine and Victor-John lived in NY and called us family.  I hope you are healthy and happy!  We miss you and love you!

Love,

Aunt Amanda