Hidden Story

I was sitting on my lawn chair in the dark of the drive-ins watching the conclusion of my childhood.  When I was about 12 years old Disney Pixar produced an epic tale about toys.  I lived the Disney empire's comeback into animation so the next new Disney movie was a huge part of my childhood, but like much of my life and my particular generation, I witnessed the teetering of technology.  It was Toy Story, way back in 1995, that was the newest in computer animation.  The excitement waiting for such a new wave of advancement was "next level" when your age 12 because at 12 it may not be the "coolest" to be excited about an animated movie, but it's okay to be excited about "new technology". It's at that age that it seems no one knows which way to turn You are not quite a child anymore, not quite grown.  It feels just like a seesaw.

In the dark of the drive-ins with my five children and husband camped at the back of the van all snuggled in blankets and filled with popcorn, we watched.  For my children, it was exciting to see a new movie with our favorite characters, Woody and Buzz and Jessie, and the reintroduction of BoPeep.  And then my eyes started leaking, a lot, all because I was thinking that this was truly the end of "that story".   I'd like to think the writers knew exactly who their audience was when they were addressing this concluding story, they put just enough in for my kids, but they were talking to me and my husband and the countless others that journeyed with these characters for more than 25 years.

All those years ago the story started with Newman's song, You've Got a Friend in Me, and I think back to my own growth from 12 to now 25 years later, how important relationships are.  What a good friend does in your life, the one that will stick by you, but tell you how it is. I now have a 12-year-old.  He has gone through some seesaw trials this year as do so many at this age navigating the skies of adolescence.  Here I am, watching, guiding, listening and understanding because I was there once.   There were stormy skies during that same time for me, both from outside relationships and from the internal struggle of growing.  I know what a challenge it is to be on the cusp of something bigger than you; like seeing a path up ahead, but not knowing which way it will lead, and recalling the steps you took behind.  It is when I hear him fishing through the bucket of Legos late at night, or I catch him pretending in his room with Super Mario Plushies, that I know that he hasn't let go of childhood. And it is when I find him saying something wrong or when tempers flare, or I find him sad and heartbroken, that I can remember those difficult trials and the burning pain and consequences that are forcing youngsters to grow you up, really it's just like chapters to a bigger story.

When he was turning 4 years old a Dreamworks movie came out that lit up his world.  How To Train Your Dragon.  He was too young for most of the toys that came out for that movie, but I remember him loving everything Toothless and Hiccup.  I even made a Toothless cupcake cake for his 4th birthday party, an ugly attempt, but nonetheless, I tried.  I think he loved the movie so much because even at his tender age he understood it was the relationship between Hiccup and Toothless that was the bigger story.  That the dragon had to rely on Hiccup to fly and navigate, that their friendship and love helped on their journey, what he understood simply at 4 years old is what he had to start navigating at 12. Fear, loss, pain, friendship, loyalty, shame, and love are not all, but some of the mixed-up emotions of this life and especially at this part of any 12-year-old's story.

I sometimes think of what may be up ahead and I am so frightened, as mothers often are, of what the challenges this life will bring to my son, but we are making our way together and when he seeks our advice and relies on our strength, I can see he weathers the storm much better. Height and voice have changed, features are changing too, and I almost don't recognize him as a boy, he can even wear his dad's shoes, literally, but I know the boy in him is still there, and I also see the man he is becoming. I know the potential just not all of it. I know he is devoted, determined, faithful, understanding, compassionate, loving, romantic, and responsible. I have watched him hold babies tenderly, play silly games with toddlers, stop arguments amongst siblings and calm tearful misunderstandings. I witnessed him holding someone up who was too little, choosing honesty over lies and help his father with some of the hardest chores.  I also have seen friends come and go, mistakes happen, bad decisions made, hurt feelings, and regret.  It's growing up, it's a part of all our stories.  

I started tearing up again in the dark of the movie theater as we watched what seemed to be the conclusion of The Toothless and Hiccup story.  I thought of him at 4 years old and how this story started for him, I see how he has grown, I miss the boy, and then I looked over in the dark and caught his tear-filled eyes and knew that he felt it too.  That the story was over at least a part of it;  and he has grown, but he is not "grown".  Maybe we need to let him go like Hiccup had to do with Toothless, maybe this chapter is concluding, but the bigger story continues.  Writing new lines, introducing new characters, growing up altogether.  Something big has been happening to us all, but unlike the movies, we are actually here to navigate him through those skies until he can do it all on his own, I may be your mother, but you've got a friend in me.