Drenched in Grief

Today I woke up with tears readied in the corner of my eyes.  They were sticky and big and sad.  I said I was sad today to those close to me, I cried when I said the word sad.  I cried as I sat wiping the sleep from my eyes.   I cried when I saw your picture.  I cried because today is today. This day, the day your mama found you--life exhaled.  For one year I have bathed in tears and sorrow.  They have washed over me time and time again in words actions or memories.  Drenched in grief.

So many moments of my life this past year have been thinking of you and yours, they--yours--have become mine in baptism by grief--a "heart family".  This new "heart family" has born from the loss of you.  We have shared our pain and moments of joy and moments when we think of you or feel you close and we have carried our broken heart pieces along this arduous journey.  Sometimes I think of sharing moments with you like I used to but I cannot in the same way.  I take you with me in small ways--your jewelry adorned my ears and neck for my latest interview as well as your perfume.  I was sharing you to new people.  They don't know you yet, but they will through my stories and my love. Your favorite scarf is in my new office and reminds me of how embracing you were, how lovingly you cared always.  Recently I wore a pair of your cute ballet flat Crocs on a tubing trip down a quiet creek.  You would have loved to go with me, wrapped in nature floating casually over patina and copper-colored river rocks.  You loved that color combo and we had an entire conversation on one of your visits. Bathed in nature, I saw a hummingbird flitting in the tree line, such a cutie you would have loved him.  I relaxed only thinking of the trees and water and you and how this day would come soon, this day that marks your death.  

Your nephew was born last week, he's scrumptious, your sister is a beautiful mama.  The glow emanating from her "new mama" face is beyond gorgeous.  You would have cried and given that silly happy open mouth smile, you would have said "awwww" in that cute voice you used.  Maybe you still are doing all those things, but you are not here.   Your mom flew out and prepared during this weird worldwide pandemic of grief to see your nephew. Your mom is "Mama Lucie" to us and we are loving her, probably not as well as you did in life, but we are trying in your absence.  Your mom and sister are bathing in life and death today. Life--death--life.

I'm glad I was mostly home today and not in the world putting on an appropriate face.  I did not have to have to face people with tears or pain where people feel uncomfortable in my presence. I didn't have to pretend for appropriate reasons, my literally mask doesn't hide my eyes.  My eyes are so sad. Most know this grief, but do want to encounter it, they become fidgety in sad presence because it may make them feel their grief too.  Others may not know this grief yet, they don't understand this pain or sorrow, I spared them and myself, I stayed home today.   There was a funeral wake nearby today, I saw so many people, too many people in pain, crying, grieving, alive and grieving like me. I watched from my window. Lives lining up to say goodbye then they go on.  Life--death--life.

Grief comes and goes sometimes it sighs quietly other times it's drenching and flooding into every nook and cranny.  I was spending the whole day doing mundane tasks, folding clothes, working from home, being a mom they have a way of pushing in--responsibilities--needs--wants--things that you do not experience anymore.  I changed from the lumpy clothes I wore to make room for the grief lump I was today and trekked out to the store. As I was standing near the cashier the anticipated drenching rain beat down on the roof of the store  I was in a predicament should I wait and watch the rain pour or make the journey to the car?  I chose to be drenched.  I didn't even run I just let the warm, large drops pour over me, soaking through my clothes filling up my shoes, running down my hair.  It dripped over my face like tears and soak me right through.  When my drenched body finally loaded the groceries and sat in the driver's seat, I let the drops run over my face I felt like nature expressed my sorrow.  I started to drive away and could see the sky opening up, storm clouds to the right and fluffy white clouds to the left, and then right in the middle were rays of sunshine slicing through the blue sky!  I drove on the flooded pavement toward this sky and witnessed as so many were journeying with me in this drenching rain.  We drove along the wet pavement journeying together splashing this storm everywhere and on everyone, and I thought of the love of those that have shared this drenching journey of sorrow and pain.  I am soaked in grief, but I am here, I remember you T, and I don't care how drenched I get with grief, because behind the drenching storm clouds is the sky you loved to photograph. I'll journey with you if you'll journey with me in life--death--life.