I don’t’ always get it right.

  

I’ve said it before, I’m no expert.  Having five children makes me a better mother and these five chickadees are daily doses of humility when I’m constantly learning from each one of their personalities. Sometimes I feel like a rock star when peace and harmony prevail and when my kids use their manners without being reminded.  Sometimes my "mom-ing" feels validated because I am in charge of five lives and in charge of their very souls, their societal impact, their environmental impact and their goodness; I feel validated because they regurgitate the right words or ideas back to me in a way that makes me know that something is sinking in and they are calling it their own.  I feel like a genuinely good mother because they show me that I’m doing something right.  Then that all comes crashing down because as much as they teach me what I have done right, they also show me when I’ve done wrong.

 It’s not psychology it is literally reverse parenting.  I’ve warned new mothers about reverse parenting when children are babies.  In the rare moments when I do give advice (which I honestly don’t like doing because all mom’s do pretty great jobs when they trust those good instincts) it is usually in the “baby-toddler zone” of parenting and it usually is when the mom has come to the end of their rope and I can see that it is something they accidentally created.  All babies come out the same, needing the same basic things and trying to communicate with the coos and the cries but then one night a sleep deprived mom did something to just keep the baby quiet.  Maybe it was rocking them to deep sleep or tucking them in bed with you; maybe it was lying down on the floor while baby sleeps in the crib, or like my first born, bringing them to the couch in the middle of the night to sleep on your chest for nine months straight.  We do things that start to tell the child that they are in charge, not you and they simply follow your lead of following them.  

It doesn’t just stop at the baby time, it can creep in other phases, like the 8 year old asking the same question over and over again until it becomes so annoying that you change your answer. 

“Can we go over Grammy’s today?”

“No, not today,”

“Why can’t we go over Grammy’s, I want to go,” in a super whine.

“No, not today,”

“Can we please go over Grammy’s today? Please, please, please?”

“No, it’s not a good day.

“Why not, I want to go today.”

“No it’s not a good day.”

“Please, why can’t we? We have no other plans, please?”

“Okay fine….but we’re not staying long.”

And it happens…out of desperation to not be questioned again I change my mind.  It seems harmless, but it does put the child in control.  If you multiply it by how many children you have by how many endless questions they will ask the variables to insanity are endless. 

And then there are those times when you are absolutely wrong and your child is honestly teaching you something about yourself.  This was the case a few days ago.  I was rushing around while my perfectly capable children were getting ready for school.  While they were upstairs brushing their teeth I was downstairs lining up their book bags and coats, hats and gloves.  I managed to shove a snack in every lunch box and thanked the good person who had the sense to move Pizza Hot Lunch day from the Monday that we had no school to Tuesday.  I realized that in the few seconds before my husband came down to take the kids to school I decided to empty out everyone’s folder on the dining room table so I didn’t look like a mom that doesn’t open the folders.

I started to go through the papers and found a low grade on my second-born’s ELA project.  I immediately went into a tirade about the grade.  I was not upset that he got a low grade if he tried his best, but I happen to know the good and the bad of each one of my children and I know that he doesn’t like anything that takes time so he shortcuts.  He has a fantastic vocabulary and can tell a good story, he gets awesome grades and loves to try hard except when it comes to writing.  We already had a conversation about how he needs to push himself because he doesn’t want to.  On this particular morning I was “calling it like it is”, but it was just a miserable way to start the day for anyone.  He was in tears and I was harsh.  I told him I was proud of his other great grades, but that this was “unacceptable” because I knew he could do better if he pushed harder.  This whole coaching thing was not coming out like a legitimate boost, it was degrading and cruel.  I just didn’t know it then.

Some point during the day I thought back to that moment and realized that I should have dealt with it differently.  I should have known that he was too sensitive to deal with it in that way and probably stopped listening to any of the good in the talk because I pushed him over the edge of reason.  Of course, later when no one was around, my husband let me know about how harsh it was too.  He said that it was public shaming because all of his siblings were there and listening and when he was a kid, something like that would make his whole day bad.  My husband was right, even though I didn’t want him to be, I was wrong.

Later in the evening, I found my buddy and talked it out with him.  I told him I was sorry for being so harsh and I didn’t mean to embarrass him.  I also told him how proud I am that he does so well in school and that he is such a kind, generous and thoughtful person.  I didn’t let him off the hook, I still want him to really try harder on those pesky assignments because we always have time to turn those grades around and learn from our mistakes.  I don’t always mom right, but I do learn from the mistakes I make…sometimes getting it wrong is how we get it right in the end.