Betwixt and Be“tween”

I now have a “tween”.  The news is only about a week old but the distinction has been made.  When did this word even come to be?  The word is cute…and no word has ever scared me more, but it does give me some insight into this stage. The word seems to be a short version of “between” a distinction of not being in the single digits and not quite in the teen years…see, cute. 

I don’t anticipate this being a cute stage…and cut me some slack on this because this is my very first “tween” experience with one of my very own kids.  I remember for myself it was awkward and weird and a jet ride into the pubescent world.  Girls usually mature and grow faster at this stage than boys so maybe I have some time before I have to be scared of armpit hair or facial hair or silence when you know they need to talk.  I’m still dealing with kid stuff, I think…but I’ve already noticed the change in maturity. 

Nine was a pain in the rear end.  It was toddler stages all over again except you lost your supreme ruler status.  If I asked him to do something, I was flat out told, “No”, and then the blank stare that said, challenge me, Mom, I dare you.  My face of death made him usually realize his error but, challenging my requests was daily.  He stomped up the stairs and yelled, “It’s not fair!”…gee I only asked you to bring up your pile of laundry.  My doors were suddenly being slammed…we don’t slam doors in my house.  Sassy talkbacks and badly place insults entered normal conversations and sometimes the sassing came from the other room into adult conversations.  Life got a bit sneakier with late nights on unauthorized screen time and climbing for snacks that should be asked for. Nine ended with forgetfulness and a few bad grades and more forgetfulness.

If this was the only child I had to deal with maybe I could have whimpered in a corner hoping the tornado will blow past without much damage, but I have other children all resonating at different phases that I have experience with, so I couldn’t let “nine” rock me I had to figure it out.  I sat down with my oldest and tried to get beyond the mood swings and shifts that were happening.  I had to do something that I hadn’t had to do in a while…direct parenting (my term, not a technical).  I call it this because my daily life sends a lot of commands and requests negotiating to the “group” of kids.  Sometimes my kids hear me as a group…much like a classroom and sometimes, I realize I must do a small group conversation.

I took my then nine-year-old upstairs and sat him beside me to talk.  The resistance was there at first, I stayed patient knowing that something was going on.  I wanted to blame the change of schools or the busy schedule, maybe not enough sleep, but I somehow just figured this was “nine”.  Simple and yet complicated, he was caught at the end of an era.  I looked at his determined eyebrows and saw sad eyes.  I wanted to lecture, but I thought maybe becoming that nurturing mom was a better approach since his first reactions were to act in determination and sass and going against authority. 

I looked again and he gave me a sassy, “Yeah, what do you want.” 

I held his face in my hands and looked right at those sad eyes and I said, “You know me and your father love you very much.” 

“Yeah,” as his eyes got sadder.

“I need you to know that we love you very much.”

And then came the waterworks…he was sad or confused and didn’t know what to do. It was growing pains…I wasn’t expecting him to understand this stage…heck, I don’t understand this stage, but I definitely don’t want him to feel alone in it or that he’s got to make it on his own.  I’m not too busy to pay attention to each one of my kids it only took a few minutes.  Dinner prep can wait, grocery shopping can wait, and yelling can wait.  We talked and I asked him to try a little harder to stop the “nine antics” and I went over why my requests were not ridiculous, no more stomping, no more slamming doors, stop sassing when you’ve been warned, no more late night video games, no more “no’s” too simple requests…and know you are loved through it all…everything is going to change, but my love won’t. 

So, nine is over and that’s a relief, and with all this new stuff on the horizon I’m sure it will bring more growing pains and tornadoes of emotional destruction, but slowing down and responding to the definite maturity that is hidden behind all that young boy is what is going to make sense of all of this.  I have to introduce myself to these new stages and get acquainted again to this beautiful child that 10 years ago made me a mother.  The day he was just a line on a stick I fell in love, I love him today and all the days in be-“tween”.