Shameless

Things I’ve shamelessly done while “mom-ing”.  Desperate times call for desperate measures and I am 100% guilty of each one of these things…don’t judge.

I have licked my kid’s faces.  You’re probably asking why? –insert horrified face here—I would too, except I have one word for you—necessary.  When I was growing up my mom would occasionally lick her thumb to rub away some leftover breakfast from my cheeks before we were boarding the bus.  I hated it, but now that I’m a mom I understand why she did it.  You want your kids to look presentable and not like no one cares.  On a few different occasions I have been without baby wipes and in the rush of getting out the door the faces didn’t get checked.  When we got to our destination the sun shone on the horror of the child’s face and after failed attempts with the small amount of spit you can get on a finger I just figured spit is spit…it was quicker.  Now you’re wondering how I got the smudges off—probably the inside of a shirt, coat or a mitten left in the car.

No tissues-used the inside of my kids shirt collar.  This is another desperation thing that came when no wipes or tissues were available.  If it can wait for a trip to the bathroom, then sure wait…if the kid has a cold and you already left the booger there longer and you know any second the gross, disgusting sneeze is coming and going to be a bigger problem than you got on your hands…then use inside of a shirt collar…it’s going in the wash anyways.

No tissues-used my hand and wiped it on the inside of my pocket.  This one shouldn’t shock you because of the above two instances.  If I felt like people were watching me I would some times do a nostril squeeze and capture the snot…then the problem of where to put the handful of snot, does cause some serious problem solving.  I may have experienced disgusting things as a mom, but I won’t make the public have to deal with this…wiping it on or under things is vial…somehow using the inside of my pocket is not?....it’s going in the wash anyways.

I Ate a wet pretzel…or any wet snack.  This goes under the category of “you know you’re a mom if…”  I have totally done this but usually not by choice.  All babies become toddlers and start sharing their food and when they reach a certain stage they do not take “no thank you” for an answer.  This stage is where my youngest is at so I most certainly have done this in the last month.

Had my daughter pee in the woods…or mostly wooded area.  We were at a soccer game where the bathrooms are located in a city run skating rink a football field away from the soccer games.  My little girl didn’t remember to use the bathroom on our way in so she had to go “NOW!”  I have to add a “personality clause”, my daughter is one of those girls that holds it WAY TOO LONG and she often runs to the bathroom crying because her body is evacuating the pee without her.  So when she says she has to go, SHE HAS TO GO, NOW!  We made the long walk to the bathrooms and found the doors locked, so we went to the head of the soccer club who directed us a half mile in the other direction to a Port-a-Potty for construction workers.  We started to make the trek.  All the while, my daughter is crossing her legs and running and the Port-a-Potty started to look further and further away.   I found a grouping of trees near a memoriam monument and started to feel like that was a good spot to let her go all nature on this situation.  Even though the monument offered way better hiding I thought it in bad taste to urinate on a monument so we went to the nearest tree which seemed to be hidden behind the monument.  I was trying to teach her the art of not peeing on herself while squatting outside but I was also fighting her personality. I said lean your butt up against the tree so it will seem like your sitting and we won’t get any pee on us…her worst fear.  Yeah, that didn’t happen as smooth as I thought it would and she started fighting the position I was putting her in, in her fighting and sobbing she started peeing.  This girl has some pressure…scary pressure and I was finding myself trying to save the underpants and pants around the ankles.  I then look up and realized my well thought out plan was not that well hidden.  We were not exactly behind the monument and more in view from the three soccer games going on than I thought…I also didn’t look suspicious at all fighting with a little kid behind a tree who was half naked.  We succeeded in emptying her bladder, but her worst nightmare came true, she had to sit for the rest of the game in wet underwear and pants…so we learned about futility that day…she could have just sat on the grass and peed through her clothes.

I had my sons pee between car doors in a parking lot.  This one is not as shameless as my others and a heck of a lot easier than dealing with girls.  We didn’t do this on a regular basis but it had been frequent enough when my older boys were potty training.  It has its drawbacks because there is an art to  not peeing in the car while doing it,  all while I said my angsty requests of “can you hurry so no one sees you,” and then worrying that the people who own the car next to the pee spot will see it or worse step in the puddle.  So far it’s been years since I’ve had to use this method.

I gave younger kids the leftover food when the older kids didn’t finish.  Again I don’t think this is as shameless as some of my others, but it depends on how “germ-a-phobic” you are about other people’s spit and stuff.  A lot of times this works to get everyone fed with no waste until your babies become very aware that the food is leftover from brother.  If you have boys this usually turns back around because I’m finding that my older boys have become ravenous and start eating the leftovers…my little garbage cans…whey do have their standards though; sometimes the baby does chemistry with the juice cup and the bowl of food…that’s a definite “no”.

I’ve asked the question “Poop or chocolate?”  What mother hasn’t asked this question?  It is serious though when you have several in diapers or worse…potty training and your still in the accident phase.  It’s all over the kid and you scream, “don’t touch anything!”  later, you find a spot and the only way to know if you’ve been branded is to sniff it, really, really closely.  Sometimes it’s chocolate then you must clean that spot off your shirt lest people think its poop.  Always sniff carefully you never want to prematurely clean a spot that actually is poop.

I’ve picked up poop nuggets with my bare hands.  This was kind of on accident.  I had been running through the mounds of laundry like a champ and I got to the bottom of the washing machine where all of the baby socks get balled up and I grabbed at the sock.  When I lifted the ball out into the light I realized the texture was not right for a sock…and I was familiar with the color.  I thought, “is this…no, it can’t be…yes, I think it is…poop!”  I still wasn’t convinced, so I did the sniff check.  It was indeed poop, a turd of poop that even though it had been washed still was poop.  I disposed of the turd, but now I had to clean my hand lest I touch any clean laundry.  I looked at the load that had been in the washer amongst the poop, it was just waiting limp and wet in the dryer and for a brief moment I thought, “Maybe they’re still clean? Do I really have to wash them again?”  The answer should always be a resounding “YES, rewash the load!” but when you are dealing with mountains of laundry any movement towards more laundry is torture.  I decided to let my newly wiped fingers be the judge.  Yep, they still smell like $#*+…I should wash the load again…I’d like to say the story ends here, but it doesn’t.  There was another turd hiding in that load of wash, the second time I didn’t pick it up with my bare hands.

I have used a diaper bag to take down a runaway toddler.  This was five years ago or so when I had only three little ones.  My oldest was 4 and my second son was a busy 2 years old.  Mr. Two was unpredictable and a runner and frustrating.  We called him Kamikaze because he would go into situations head on and destruction to him and others was part of the aftermath.  We were leaving church, headed back to the parking lot which was a block away and it was winter.  I’m sure we had a frustrating and loud time in Mass, where we dealt with crying and boldness and running.  I’m sure that frustration was following us to the parking lot.  My husband had the infant carrier with our baby girl about ten feet back from me and I had the boys and the tremendous diaper bag…it was like a duffel bag.  When we reached the mostly empty parking lot our car was in view and our 4 year old took off to the car…not scary because he was predictable…he was going to the car.  The two year old, our Kamikaze child had limp noodled himself out of my grip and started to make a run for the car…a non predictable outcome, it could have been the car, it could have been his brother, it could have been California.  I was in heels and the parking lot was an icy mess.  I assessed the problem.  If I go running I will surely fall, if my husband goes running he has to quickly put down the baby near me and then there’s the explaining and the extra ten feet…you know toddlers are about ten time faster then parents right?  I’m yelling stop, my husband’s commanding stop, a car is coming into the parking lot…the toddler is getting away!  I used the little bit of science and MacGyvered the situation.  I took my large diaper bag and slid it hard towards the two year old to give me a second to run after him.  It careened perfectly toward his legs and took him out!  He fell backwards (science!) which is what I hoped, and he had extra fluff on him from his hat, oversized winter coat and mittens…padding for the situation.  I was over the top of him before he could get out of his turtle back position.  We laughed so hard when it slid perfectly and took him out…yes, we laughed all the way home.